A Disturbing Thought

I am consistently inconsistent.

What is success? What is happiness? Luxury? Opulence? Poverty? Misfortune? Not having enough? Why are we so confused about our lives sometimes and what we’re doing with them?

These notions are personal. They are completely individual and unique to perspective and life experience.

I think many of the conflicts I’ve had in my life are due to a clash in the way to experience life. Life is momentary, it is now, so anything – literally, anything – is hypothetically transitory and only a part of the entire life experience.

I think sometimes, because maybe I’m ‘artistic’ or ‘unique’ in the way that I see my life, in the way I want to see myself, and the way I experience existence, that people have thought, in order to be close to me, that they had to adopt similar philosophies to mine. Maybe a lot of them already had similar philosophies. Philosophies change. Theories on the meaning of life, or what – in fact – makes a ‘good life’ have always been dependent on knowledge and individuality.

Sometimes, I too have changed my philosophies to be ‘close’ with someone. I adopt a schedule, a pattern, a way of seeing the world, that is not actually my own. At least, not completely so.

And so, I think I have had a realization that there have been instances in my life where others have changed their schedules, their patterns, in order to fit mine. A bizarre compliment… and likewise so, when I have done the same. But then there comes a time when they realize that your (or my) philosophy does not fulfill them, nor should it; however, they blame the source – you/me – for the fact that they have grown to dislike their current life ‘pattern’. They move on, to find a new philosophy/schedule/perspective/pattern that fits them. They adopt a ‘lifestyle’ that is new and interesting, and blame you for the resulting distance, or ‘drifting away’ as friends that comes from ‘incompatible’ lifestyles.

“I’ll live my life, and you live yours,” people have said. We must be individuals, but we must live together. We must have friends. Some things should last forever, right? Or, like life itself, does everything have a dawn and dusk?

Being heard on the Hill

Dolce on the Hill

Today was my first day lobbying on Capitol Hill. I’ve interned there, but this was special.

I arrived at the Hart Senate Office Building around 10:30am and met Sonali, a long-time, beloved friend, activist, and the founder of CETAB (Creating Environmental Accountability Through Bankruptcy), a citizen-funded environmental association concerned with altering the bankruptcy code to further prevent polluters from using any tax-payer money towards environmental clean-ups. This is a novel idea because 1) many people would not want their tax dollars going towards the result of corporate negligence; and because 2) it discourages lax environmental standards and is a huge incentive for companies not to engage in risky decision-making with facilities and standards that may lead to environmental harm. Sonali’s research and proposed bill (stemming from a legal paper she wrote that’s being published by Pratt’s Law Journal next month) are now in the offices of members of our Senate and House of Representatives.

We had lunch with my stepdad (a knowledgeable politico himself) around midday, before returning to the Hill so we could concentrate specifically on Senate staffs. What’s interesting is that we both felt more successful on the Senate side of the Hill offices – the staff of the representative’s offices we stopped by were surprisingly casual… and yet, not as welcoming to guerilla-style environmental activism, even though we looked dolce.

What would a day of lobbying be without drinks? ^With my favorite bartender, Margaret Ann. Cheers to comprehensive, environmental reform!

A Love Based on Truth

For Evette:

I want that intangible,
The je ne sais quois,
I want to be free,
Adored from afar –

I realize I find,
A well deep… unfilled,
When I consider the Self,
While in other arms held -

Through mirrors I see,
All that I could lack,
What would and what should,
As jealous lips smack –

And so I must learn,
Accept and confront,
Time brings forth the needs,
Limited not by one’s wants –

Through this the Self’s taught,
By trial – ebb, flow, and misstep,
That fear alone can bring,
Bitterness… cliché regret –

A love based on truth,
Not lustful or petty,
To ask myself , how?
I feel not quite ready –

It seems as though love,
Like books on a shelf,
With ease – wears and tears,
Not so for the Self –

How in, another’s arms,
Can we still evolve?
If the Self’s journey be blinded,
Restricted by love –

Yet if I don’t love,
I think I am cursed,
But I know this so truly:
I must love Self first.

© 2010, Jameson Freeman